Finding My Way Home

As is always the case, the New Year arrived before we felt it should.  We weren't through with the old one yet.  There was more to do, more to say, more to experience.  That is the good thing about new years though.  They give you a fresh place to start.

Despite its rocky start, (sorry for the pun) the gay straight student alliance group that Brendan and Derek had started at their school had flourished after Jennifer's article made not only the school paper, but the town one as well.  There were now about 15 kids in the group.  Edan and I were asked to host a New Year's Eve party for them.  We were apprehensive at first, but we agreed after the boys reminded us how hard they had been working to get the alliance to be accepted at the school, both by the students and the faculty.  Edan and I had to admit that Brendan and Derek had done a fabulous job getting the group organized and then working with the faculty advisory committee so that all the school rules were obeyed.  We were very proud of them both and the party would give us the chance to show that.

As I had expected, the majority of the kids at the party were gay.  However, there was a larger turnout of straights than I had anticipated.  It seemed there were quite a few kids who had gay siblings or friends and just wanted to understand a little better.  Among them was Brooke Walborn.

Brooke came to the party alone, which was surprising to me.  I later learned that her boyfriend, Michael, had gotten upset when he saw Peter and Ephraim kissing in the Walborn living room.  He called them names and expected Dan and Karen to back him up.  When they didn't, he turned to Brooke.  She slapped him, and then told him to never speak to her again.

Brooke told me that she had wanted to join the group as soon as she had learned of its creation.  Michael had resisted and had tried to convince her that it was just a phase her brother was going through.  He said she should wait it out.  She knew now that Michael's reluctance stemmed from his own homophobia.  She apologized to Brendan and Derek for her lack of support earlier, but of course they told her it was no big deal.

Peter and Ephraim spent most of the night upstairs, supposedly playing on the computer.  I couldn't help noticing however that when they came down to get a snack, they were wearing each other's shirt.  They assured me that they had only removed them because it had been so warm in the room.

"I'll bet it was, Rimmer," Derek teased.  The younger boys blushed furiously.

"Boys, what you do in your room is your business," I reminded them.  "Just play it safe, and don't lie about it to family.  You know that we love you, and you know that we know what you're doing anyway because it's the same thing the rest of us do in our rooms."

"Just don't volunteer information without warning him," Derek advised them.  "It makes Dad nervous," he added with a giggle.

I remembered all too well the morning that Brendan had interrupted my breakfast with the announcement that their sex life was a thousand times better at the farm.  When Derek pointed out how much of an increase there had been in the amount of fluid that Brendan produced now that he was off the meds, I nearly choked.  We had a long talk about appropriate topics for mealtime conversation after that.

"Derek's right to a point," I told the fourteen year olds.  "If there is anything you need to talk to me about, you should always feel free to ask; anything, anytime, always.  In normal conversation, though, spare me the details."

"Ok Dad," Ephraim agreed.  He and Peter held hands as they walked into the kitchen to raid the party food supplies.

"That's what this group is about," Brendan announced to everyone.  "We want our generation and those that come after us to be free to hold hands in places our parents, aunts, uncles, or whoever never could."

"Well said, Brendan," Edan agreed.  "I am very proud of the stand that you and your classmates are taking with this organization.  When I was your age, such a group would have been impossible."

"Yeah, but when you were our age, you still had to fight off dinosaurs on your way to school," one of the kids quipped.

"Someone get that kid's phone number," Edan called.  "We have to notify the next of kin," he joked.  The students all laughed and went back to their partying.

Peter and his sister left a little after midnight.  The rest of the party didn't break up until around two am.  The five of us collapsed into our beds, promising to clean up the next day.  The work didn't take as long as I had expected, so when we were done, I gave the boys the chance and the money to go to the movies.

The boys went to pick up Peter so they could double date, while Edan and I finished up the last details of clean up.  They had been gone for about thirty minutes when we decided to take a night out ourselves.  We couldn't let the young folks have all the fun.

We pulled up to the theatre and parked near Brendan's jeep.  I looked toward the building as I got out so that I could see what was playing.  Instead, I was witness to a sight that chilled me to the bone with fear.  Derek and Peter were walking out of the theatre with 5 nasty looking guys of various ages from about twelve to eighteen or more.  Ephraim ran out of the building behind them.  He lunged at one of the street punks.  I saw the flash of steel and watched in horror as my son fell to the sidewalk.

Edan and I ran forward just as Brendan came out of the theatre.  He was kneeling beside Ephraim when I got there.  Edan ran for the phone inside the lobby.  A car drove by closely and I heard someone yell, "Blade must face Death!"  I looked up and saw a commotion in the back seat of the car.  The door flew open and Peter tumbled out.  I heard his arm break as he hit the pavement.

"I have to go after them," Brendan said standing to stare after the car.

"Not without me, you don't," I said firmly.

"Go Dad," Ephraim wheezed.  "Get Derek back."

"Don't talk now."  Brendan, Peter, and I had all said the same thing at the same time.  Ephraim smiled weakly at the humor of that, and then seemed to pass out.

"Damn Death!" Brendan cursed.  "I will not lose my family to that asshole now that I have one to lose."

"Neither will I," I said just as firmly.  "I am going with or without your help or approval.  I would rather not have to work against each other."

"Come on, big brother, let's go kick some ass," Brendan growled. 

By this time Edan had returned, so we left him with the boys to wait for the ambulance.  Brendan and I took his jeep and he drove downtown to an area of abandoned and condemned buildings.  He parked and looked at me solemnly.

"I'm sorry you got dragged into my problems," he said.

"I'm not," I replied.  "We're family.  That means you don't have problems anymore; we do.  We solve them together, too.  Let's go solve this one once and for all."

"The hotel that the gang uses is one block up and two blocks over to the left from here.  If they see us together, Derek's dead for sure.  They could have him anywhere in the building.  Fortunately, the place is only 3 stories tall," Brendan explained.  "Death likes to hang around the top floor.  He calls it his penthouse.  I will head there first.  You find Derek."

"Brendan, you have a better chance of finding Derek than I do," I pointed out.  "You know the building, and how and where the gang would use it.  I will go to Death."  I made sure he saw the look on my face as I said, "My honor requires that I face the man who has attacked my family."

"I'll get Derek and meet you there," Brendan agreed.

We parted at the corner and continued toward the headquarters of the gang.  Brendan was going in the back way, which he knew better.  I walked up to the front of the building.  It looked as if it had been an architectural showplace at one time.  Now however the doors and windows across the front had been boarded up to prevent vandalism.  That was a laugh.

"Knock, knock!" I yelled as I splintered the boards covering the doors into the building with one swift kick.  I was immediately met by three juvenile delinquents.  I remembered two of them from the park the day that I had rescued Derek.  "Hello, boys, I came to see you this time."  As before, I had no trouble at all dispatching them.  I checked the first floor for any more trouble and finding none, I started up the stairs.  Halfway up, I saw a grimy, filthy girl staring at me.

"What's up with you, man?" she asked as she flashed her switchblade.  Two kicks and a flip of the wrist later she was no longer a threat either.

When I reached the second floor, I paused listening for any movement or sound.  Hearing nothing, I resumed my assent.  Upon reaching the next level, I was greeted by a group of five or six hoodlums.  Rather than attack me, they parted to let me pass between them.  A tall greasy scumbag who looked to be about Brendan's age ushered me into one of the doorways.  Inside I saw a particularly nasty looking overage punk sitting in an armchair by the window.  He had to be at least 25 years old.

"Who the fuck are you?" he snarled.  "Some kind of special force cop?"

"No, I'm not the police, but they are on their way," I told him, hoping I wasn't lying.

Just at that moment, the door to the room burst open and a couple of thugs came in dragging Brendan and Derek with them.  The boys were thrown to the floor at my feet.  Both of them had obviously been beaten.  What concerned me most was the fact that Derek was naked.  My fears for him were confirmed when one of the brainless wonder boys spoke.

"You was right, Death," he sneered.  "All we had to do was grab his little pussy boy and Blade showed up.  He sure took his time, though.  We were just about to start on him when lover boy finally showed up.  We offered to share, but he was greedy.  He wanted it all, and was pissing me off with his attitude, so we beat the shit out of him to make him more agreeable."  The man called Death flew across the room.  His fists sent the punk reeling into the hallway.

"I told you to bring him to me unharmed, you miserable sack of shit," Death screamed.  "I wanted to kick his ass.  I have to prove once and for all who rules this gang."  I took advantage of the distraction to talk to Derek.

"Are you all right?" I whispered.

"Don't worry about pussy boy," Death sneered.  "He's a professional.  He's probably waiting to get paid.  Don't worry, boy, I'll pay you with this after I deal with your boyfriend and the cop that ain't a cop."  He patted his crotch for emphasis. 

"I'm ok, Da… dude."  I was impressed that Derek had remembered not to give away any vital information.  In a whisper, meant for only me to hear, he said, "They never touched me, at least not sexually."

"We'll take care of that soon enough, pussy boy," Death taunted.  "Right after I slit your boyfriend's throat."

"You will harm them no more!"  My voice rang out in the room.

"You are getting on my nerves, man," Death snapped.  "Who the fuck are you?"

"I am your worst nightmare," I replied meaning every word, even if it was a movie line.

"Wrong!" the gang leader jeered.  "You just another dead mother fucking geek."

"We'll see about that," I returned.

The overage street punk came at me quickly, but his movements betrayed his attack to my trained eye.  I easily blocked his charge and immediately went into offensive mode myself.  My well placed foot sent him sprawling across the room.

"All right, Dad!" Derek exclaimed.  He regretted the slip of his tongue immediately.

"That's it, is it?" Death wheezed.  "Why would any father fight for a fairy pussy boy like him?  Let me kill him and you won't have to be ashamed of having a faggot in the family anymore."

"Derek is a great son, and I am very proud of him, and his orientation," I bragged.  "I would only be ashamed if I were your father."

"Sounds like you've been doing sonny boy, too," Death sneered.  "Is that it? You don't want to share his little pussy with us?"

"You are partly right," I informed him.  "I don't want you near him or any of my family, ever again."

Death lunged at me.  I deflected him once more.  He was getting angry because I wasn't as easily defeated as he had anticipated.  His third attack was vicious in its power, but was the easiest yet to block.

"Is that the best you can do, boy?" I taunted.  "I've sparred with children that were more of a challenge than you."  I succeeded in making him angrier.  He pulled a knife and came at me again.  I dodged the weapon as he slashed at the air.

"Not so tough now, are you?" he teased.  "I took this from Blade the last time I kicked his ass.  Now I get to use it to cut the three of you up."  He suddenly broke into laughter.  It was the eerie laughter of a mentally unstable person.  "Blade will get his throat cut with his own blade," he giggled maniacally.

"That little scratcher doesn't scare me, shit for brains," I told Death.  "Now this is a blade to fear," I announced as I drew my short katana from inside my jacket.  I don't know what had made me bring it with me that night, but I was certainly glad that I had.

"Damn, you think you a ninja or some shit like that?" Death retorted.

"No, I know I am," I replied.  "However, I do not need a weapon to defeat you."  I replaced the sword in its sheath, and then motioned for Death to advance.

He lunged forward with the knife in his hand.  I deftly kicked it away.  I heard his wrist snap as my foot connected to it.  Death bellowed in pain and darted to the far corner of the room.

"Man, I'm tired of this shit," he groaned.  "We through with the games."  I could see he was retrieving something from a box behind a large desk.

"I'll bet you are tired of it," Derek taunted.  "Especially since you're getting the shit kicked out of your sorry ass."

Several things happened at once in that instant.  I realized that what Death had in his hand was a gun.  Death spun around and yelled at Derek.  At the same moment, the police swat team burst through the windows of the room.

"I'm going to shut your fucking mouth permanently, pussy boy," the gang leader screeched at Derek.

I leaped in front of Derek as Death pulled the trigger.  I don't remember hearing the gun shot.  I was only conscious of Derek calling to me.  I did hear more shots being fired after that, and then the room, the world, seemed to go silent.

"Lie still, Mr. Ragland," a voice above me said.  I realized that I was lying on the floor.  I looked up into the face of a policeman.

"My … boys…" I gasped.  I couldn't seem to get enough air to breathe.

"We're fine, Dad," Derek answered.  His voice was raw with emotion.  "Please don't talk now, Dad, just rest."  He turned away from me, and screamed, "Where the hell is that ambulance?"

"Please don't leave us, Cameron," Brendan pleaded.  "You have to come home to us.  Come back to Edan and me and Derek, and Ephraim."

"Ok, bro…" I wheezed.  "Nap… now…"

I fell asleep after that.  I seemed to dream about riding to the hospital, although for a fantasy, I would have expected a smoother ride.  I felt every hole and bump in the road.  I thought I saw Edan when we got to the hospital, but when I tried to wake up and find him, I couldn't.  I remember hearing Janice's voice, and I wondered why she was in my dream.

"You son of a bitch!  What the hell do you mean doing this to me again?" she was yelling.  I tried to answer her, but I couldn't.  "You better not go anywhere that you don't want me to follow, because if you leave us, I will come after you and kick your little fairy ass till the end of time."

The next thing that I remember is standing at a three-way intersection.  The man I had always known as my father stood to my left.  My martial arts master and dear friend stood to my right. Master Koji was the first to speak to me.

"This is not the place for you to stay, young one," he told me.  "There are three paths before you.  You must choose where your spirit will go from here.  One road leads to the resting place of the ancestors of our art, your ancestors by virtue of your heirship to me."

"The next path will lead you to your birth family.  We await the chance to make amends for our mistakes where you were concerned, all of us."  Dad told me this.  I looked past him and could see my mother and the man I now knew to be my biological father.  All three of them looked happy, a sight I had very seldom seen as a child.  "The third path takes you back to those you have left behind.  Love will surround you no matter which path you choose.  The decision is yours, however.  You must find your way home."

I turned to the right and looked past Master Koji and saw a tranquil meditation garden.  Serene oriental men and women bowed to me as my gaze passed over them.  To my left, I saw my mother and the men who were my fathers.  One was my biological father and the other was my Dad.

When I looked ahead of me, I noticed that the path was narrow and overgrown with brush and brambles, and was very steep.  In the far distance I could see the farmhouse.  As I strained my eyes to look closer, I could make out Edan and the boys, and Janice and Beth standing on the porch.

Suddenly, a small being I could only describe as a cherub angel appeared in front of me.  I couldn't tell for sure if it was a boy or a girl, but I felt that it was male.  He had striking blue eyes, a tiny little button nose, and perfect little dimples. He smiled at me and I felt a warmth radiate through me.

"Who are you?" I asked him.

"I can't tell you," he giggled.  "It's a secret.  You'll figure it out if you think about it, though."  He was right, too.  As soon as he said that, I realized who he was, or rather who he would be.

"Why are you here?" I prodded.  The adorable child shushed me quickly.

"I'm not supposed to be here," the little angel whispered.  "I wanted to watch and see which path you choose."

I couldn't resist reaching out and running my hands through the tot's adorable auburn red curls.  "Your grandma was right," I told him with a smile.  My hands caressed down the smooth little cheeks and I tickled him under the chin.  There was an explosion of giggles that were positively melodic.  It was the most endearing sound I had ever heard.

"I have to go now," the charming little cherub suddenly announced.  "I didn't need to worry.  You would never make the wrong choice."  The miniature wings on his back fluttered slightly as the living doll turned and walked up the path directly ahead of me.  He soon disappeared in the dense briars.

I turned back to the two men I had been closest to as a child.  They told me that the time for my decision was drawing closer.  I faced the intersection once more, but had to ask them a question first.  I was surprised when Master Koji answered before I had even spoken the first word.

"I knew what you were when I first saw you," he said gently.  "I saw you for what you were in your heart, a gentle loving person who would understand the depths of what I wanted to teach you.  I knew you would keep the knowledge and the power of the arts with honor and dignity and humility, as they should be."

"How could I hold your nature against you?" he continued.  "It is unchangeable and set in place before you were born.  Besides, I would have been a hypocrite."  He laughed at my shock.  "Why do you think I had no heir to train, no son to claim my sword and my honor?"

"I may not have been your biological father," Dad began.  "I was gone a lot of the time as well, but I did pay attention to you when I could.  I watched you grow up.  I moved you and your mother off the base so you wouldn't fall prey to any of the sailors that had tastes for boys like you.  I didn't want you hurt.  I was surprised when you told me you were getting married, and I began to think that maybe it had been a phase for you.  I tried to look happy for you on your wedding day, son, but I would have been more happy if you had told me how you really felt then."

"I wish I could have talked to you about it, Dad," I admitted.  I looked at the two men in front of me.  "I wish one of you would have talked to me about it, if you both knew."

"Your paths are your own to travel," Master Koji.  "You choose the journey.  Now you must choose again."

"I have missed you so much since we left Japan, Grandfather Koji," I began.  "In time I'm sure I will reach a point where the tranquility you offer will be most welcome, but I am not at that point yet," I said firmly.

"Dad, there is so much I wanted to tell you while you were alive," I told the man who had raised me.  "There is so much more that I wanted and needed to hear from you and Mom, and Wayne.  You can't know how tempting it is to stay with you and have the family I should have had growing up."  I looked straight ahead as I continued. 

"I have a family of my own now, though," I said strongly.  "I need them as much or more than they need me.  If I am being given the chance, I want to let them know that."   I stepped toward the farmhouse. The three paths suddenly merged before me.  The path I had chosen became less overgrown and wider, but was still steep and difficult to climb.

"You've made the right choice, son.  I am proud of you," Dad called.

"This is your true path, Cami-san," Master Koji told me.  "It will bring you a greater pain than any you have ever known so far in life, but it is also the path of your greatest joy as well.  This is the path of balance.  Congratulations, you have found your way home."

I awoke and saw Edan standing over me.  Brendan and Derek were beside him.  Ephraim, Peter and Dan and Karen were on the other side of the bed.  Janice, Beth, and Grandma Sarah were at the foot of the bed.  They each gave me a smile, and I returned it.  Master Koji was right.  Home was where my heart was, and my heart would always be with my family.

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Author's Note:  Don't worry; this isn't the end for our boys at the ranch.  There is much more to come in Book Two: Heart and Home, coming soon to a computer near you